Sunday, February 24, 2008

Oscar Live Updates

So for the first time in 7 years, I'm currently watching the Oscars alone without anything fun surrounding it. I suppose that means that it is up to me to make this as exciting as I possibly can for myself. What that means? I don't know. I figure I should write about it.

I just got done watching the Barbara Walter special. I cannot wait for the new Indiana Jones movie. It's going to be some awesome stuff. Although they really should put Hannah Montana in it, you know, to get the tween set. Hell yes. Ok, maybe not. I really hate Hannah Montana (although I'm sure that Miley Cyrus is a lovely person). The show literally makes me want to gouge my eyes out.

So I've seen 26 of the nominated movies. I would have seen more if I didn't live in South Carolina where it's impossible to see them all.

The Oscar red carpet has officially started. I could care less about this stuff. I don't care what they're wearing. One of the reasons I'm almost embarrassed to watch the Oscars is because they're often considered the Super Bowl for women. But I'm not a woman. And I don't want to be a woman. Also, I'm not gay. But I love the movies. Which is why I'm writing this. Heck yes.

What's Regis doing here? That guy seriously seems like he never has any idea what's going on. He's out of control. I think it's time to away Regis. To where? I'm not sure.

These women who interview the celebrities are kind of idiots it seem like. They talk to them like they're friends. Something tells me they're not friends. This random lady doesn't hang out with John Travolta. Unless Travolta is trying to trick people into getting into Scientology. Scary fake religion.

Why are they asking Javier Bardem about his stupid haircut in No Country for Old Men? Isn't it time to put that away? Let's move on.

Oh god, why is Hannah Montana at the Oscars? I wish she would fight Regis. Fight him! That would be awesome. Regis vs. Hannah Montana. They could move that over to Pay-Per-View and I'd definitely check it out.

Oh boy, here come the chick commercials. Although I had no idea I would be watching a dog food commercial for chicks. Surprising.

I don't know if I should make any predictions. In recent years I've actually been pretty good with my predictions. I'll make them just before they announce, and you'll just have to trust that I'm being honest.

Yes! Jennifer Garner is being interviewed! At one point I was going to marry her, and then she went and had a baby with Ben Affleck. What a jerk. Man, I miss the days of Alias when she would come into my home...and to my heart every week. Goodbye, Jen. Goodbye.

Why is Regis pretending he cares about Helen Mirren's dress? He doesn't care. Helen Mirren just said that she is running a whorehouse. I'm a little concerned about that.

Now, Daniel Day-Lewis is being interviewed. He's such a weird guy. But he was awesome in "There Will Be Blood".

Amy Adams has popped up. I think I'm going to make her my new future wife. She doesn't know that yet. Is that creepy?

I think that Access Hollywood is one of the worst programs ever. Let's talk about being so over-the-top that everyone seems insane. Which is totally awesome.

Ellen Page is cool. I hope people ask her why Juno is so accessible! Again. And again.

They have now asked Hilary Swank about how she chooses her roles. Why doesn't anyone ask how people choose their rolls? Personally, I'm a huge fan of the brown-n-serves, but crescent rolls are nice too.

It's kind of exciting that I was in the Kodak Theater less than a year ago. But I suppose if I actually lived out there, it wouldn't be that cool. We Middle America people think that so much is cool that totally is NOT cool.

The Oscars BEGIN. That's cool. The Terminator is delivering the statues. I suppose if you're gonna trust someone with them, there's no better person to trust than The Terminator.

Here comes Jon Stewart. I think he's a funny guy, but we'll see how he does here.

So far so good. I don't really have much to say about it so far. Although I think the haircut jokes need to end from No Country For Old Men, as I stated before.

Does anyone still care about Dennis Hopper? Oh, that's part of the joke. Interesting.

The opening monologue was pretty decent. Didn't blow me away, but entertaining nonetheless.

Ah, here comes my former future wife, looking radiant as always.

I gotta go with Sweeney Todd for this one.

PREDICTION: Sweeney Todd

WINNER: Elizabeth: The Golden Age got it. One of the dullest movies I've seen in years. But that's cool. I guess the costumes were decent in the movie. I suppose I was so bored with the ACTUAL movie that I forgot that the costumes were cool looking. But whatever.

As if there needed to be more evidence of the chick laced problem this show has, a commercial for diet coke. Ladies love their diet coke. (Although recent research suggest that it might be making you fat.)

Clooney's up on stage. You gotta love the Clooney. But you don't gotta love an 80 year retrospective.

I do love the classic music they got going on, though.

Aw, I miss the Celine Dion. That was like the anthem of my 8th grade year. "My Heart Will Go On". My life HAS gone on. Even though my boat sank.

Steve Carrell and Anne Hathaway have arrived. I'm actually pretty pumped for the Get Smart movie. I liked Get Smart. Let's hope that this is going to be a good one too. And wow, Anne Hathaway is pale.

Ratatouille better win this one. Even though I didn't see Persepolis. How do you not love little rats? Little rats COOKING! And Surf's Up was lame. So it's got no chance.
PREDICTION: Ratatouille

WINNER: Ratatouille. It's good to see Brad Bird getting awards. But his story about his guidance counselor didn't seem to be necessary.


I gotta go with Pirates of the Caribbean. It was some good stuff, even though La Vie En Rose was good.

PREDICTION: Pirates of the Caribbean

WINNER: La Vie En Rose. Ok, I can see how that would get it. Wow. I am not doing too good with my predictions so far. One of three is pretty weak. I should have thought about this more. La Vie makes more sense than Pirates. Man, I feel foolish. Give these people more time!

Oh, my newest future wife is on screen. Soon, my love. Soon we will be together. On a side note: I loved Enchanted. And I'm totally hetero. But I'm not the biggest fan of that song. I think the other one from Enchanted is better. I wouldn't vote for "The Happy Working Song".

Well, we're a half hour into the ceremony and we've done a total of three awards. Wow. We're really flying. Or not.

You really gotta love Mastercard commercials that make fun of people with lazy eyes. Really freaking professional.

If they ever make a movie of Barack Obama's life, I think The Rock should play him.

The Golden Compass was trash of a movie, but the effects were decent. Pirates was good too. But if Transformers doesn't take this home, I'll be really surprised. Those giant robots looked REAL!

PREDICTION: Transformers
WINNER: The Golden Compass. Unbelievable. 1 for 4. This is my worst Oscar year ever. What about the GIANT ROBOTS?! This is ridiculous.

I think Atonement is going to take this one. It was just a beautiful movie. Although Sweeney Todd could upset it. That was also an incredible looking movie.

WINNER: Sweeney Todd. See? Why didn't I just pick that one? Dammit. 1 for 5 now. I'm doing terrible.

Javier Bardem is definitely going to take this one for No Country for Old Men. He has to. Unless Hal Holbrook serves as a spoiler for this one. But Javier's going to take it. I say that like he's my friend. He's not my friend. I don't even know him.

PREDICTION: Javier Bardem
WINNER: Javier Bardem. THANK YOU! Finally. 2 for 6. Good to know I'm not completely useless. Although no one is going to read this anyway. I thought that I was going to be a complete failure tonight. But I'm not. Awesome.

I'm coming to the conclusion that nobody is going to read this. At all. I don't know why I'm even bothering. Maybe I'm doing it for me. Maybe I'm doing it for you. Maybe I'm doing it for the future of America.

Oh, an August Rush song. Didn't see it, didn't care to. Wait, I didn't know there were black people in that movie. It looked like lots of white people in the trailer. learn something new every day.

I haven't seen any of these, so it's going to be nothing but a guess for me. So I'm gonna guess:

PREDICTION: The Mozart of Pickpockets

WINNER: The Mozart of Pickpockets. YES! Another one! Maybe I'm coming back. Maybe it's happening. A mounting comeback.

Another one I didn't have the opportunity to see.

PREDICTION: Peter and the Wolf. Just because I like Wolves.

WINNER: Peter and the Wolf. I'm turning this around people. Whoo hoo! 4 for 8. Back to 50%.

I need to win myself an Oscar. I suppose I'd actually have to get involved with movies in some way.

I gotta go with Amy Ryan in Gone Baby Gone. That was some good stuff. Cate Blanchett probably would get it if she didn't get it 3 years ago for the Aviator. Although talk about gender confusion. Ruby Dee was barely in American Gangster. Good, but not enough to give her an award for it.


WINNER: Tilda Swinton? She would have been my #5 choice. Wow. Totally did not see that one coming. There goes my streak. Down the hole it goes.

"The always fantastic Jessica Alba." My ass. Fantastic sometimes. Not always, though. Not always at all.

Here we go. Still surprised that Transformers didn't get nominated here, but whatever. Can't win them all.

PREDICTION: Joel and Ethan Coen for No Country for Old Men

WINNER: Joel and Ethan Coen! Whoo hoo! Good stuff guys, good stuff.

I'm kinda winding down here. I think I'm pretty much just going to write my predictions followed by the winners. 5 for 10 now. Back to 50%. Again.

I love "That's How You Know" from Enchanted. I hope this one wins.


PREDICTION: Transformers

WINNER: The Bourne Ultimatum. Dammit. I'm a loser again. Does NO ONE know how to give Transformers some love? They're ROBOTS IN DISGUISE!


PREDICTION: Ratatouille

WINNER: The Bourne Ultimatum. Again. Son of a bitch. Why didn't I pick Bourne? I'm a loser. :-(

5 for 12.


PREDICTION: Marion Coutillard.

WINNER: Marion Coutillard. BOO YA! Yay for attractive French women.

6 for 13. All hope is not lost for Sean. I liked her speech too. Short, succinct, to the point, no idea what she's talking about it. All good stuff.

Yes, they're playing Wii! That's that kind of Oscars I like to see.

I didn't see "Once" but apparently people love it. I didn't see it. I'm sure this song will win even though I want "That's How She Knows" to win.

Are they seriously going to show every best picture winner ever? It certainly looks like it. Can't say I've seen all of these. Or most of them for that matter. A few of the more lasting onces I have.


PREDICTION: The Bourne Ultimatum. I screwed myself earlier not going with this movie, but we'll see what happens.

WINNER: The Bourne Ultimatum. YES! Good job not going back on your instinct, boy. A winner is me! 7 for 14. I'm floating right around 50% here. That's a struggle. I'm normally closer to 80%.


PREDICTION: The Counterfeiters

WINNER: The Counterfeiters! Whoo! Good guess Sean! Excellent guess! 8 for 15. This puts me over the 50% mark! I love it.


PREDICTION: "Falling Slowly" from Once

WINNER: "Falling Slowly". Of course. Stupid Once. Where's the Enchanted love? Where is it, I say? But I knew this was going to happen. Good job on the cheap movie, though I guess.

Now at 9 for 16.


PREDICTION: Atonement. How you overlook that 5 minute tracking shot to me would be unbelievable.

WINNER: There Will Be Blood. Yeah, definitely wrong. Ouch. I'm a loser.

9 for 17.


PREDICTION: Atonement.

WINNER: Atonement. It was the damn typewriter songs that did it. But I was hoping for Ratatouille by Giacchino, just because I'm a huge fan.

10 for 18.



WINNER: Freeheld.

Eh, I didn't see these anyway. I wish I was a better guesser sometimes.

10 for 19.


You know what? My mind says Sicko, but something tells me that it's not going to do it.


WINNER: Taxi to the Dark Side

Well, at least I wasn't wrong about Sicko.

10 for 20. Back to 50%.


PREDICTION: Juno. I don't know why. But I am guessing Juno. It's just too trendy to NOT guess.

WINNER: Juno. Rock on.

11 for 21.


PREDICTION: Daniel Day-Lewis. I don't even know why they bother going through the motions with this one. We already know who the winner is.

WINNER: Daniel Day-Lewis. Wow. What a surprise.

12 for 22.


PREDICTION: Coen Brothers

WINNER: Coen Brothers

13 for 23.


Here it is. Coming up. Now who am I going to pick?

PREDICTION: No Country for Old Men. It's been getting so much love tonight as it is.

WINNER: No Country for Old Men!

And my final tally is 14 for 24. Not too bad. Not my best showing, but decent. At least I'm over 50%.

Well, there it is. I'm sure no one will ever read this. Ever. But I have it for my own personal future. Awesome. Ok, well, that's it. Good night.

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